"No kidding," said Gábor, "but I find it
rather inspirational. She had given me a lot to think about and I wonder if I
could keep up with her in a philosophical debate. I've learned several things
from her. She has deep insights. I don't really know from where as we don't
have many books of that kind around here and no library on Niau."
"What kind of views are we talking about?" asked
Ivan.
"Basically any," Leilani answered, her eyes moving
from Vai to Ivan, to Gábor and back to Ivan. "It seems to me, she has a
deep understanding of universal principles. Do you remember when she challenged
you about ‘Why not drive several men wild instead of one?' You know the truth
behind that one too. All men chase after girls since they were born male, well,
some don't, so why would a female not desire a man? Some don't even care, male
or female or both. We are not that different.
I don't want to go into details now, but it suffices to
mention that all of us have been born into societies and have been brainwashed
and indoctrinated since birth, pushed and directed into established culturally
accepted ideologies and moral concepts and Vai seems not much affected by it or
is too rebellious to accept them. She has…shh… wait, let me finish," she
stopped her daughter from interrupting her, "...she has her own ideas and
opinions and will have a difficult time finding a partner because she won't
tolerate dogmas or people that are close-minded and set in their ways.
She feels no-one person may own another, that all people
should be living their lives according to their own choices. I would agree with
that, but it would take a lot of work to eliminate the insecurities in people,
including me. Most people in a larger society abandon responsibility for
themselves by letting other people make choices for them, and then the rulers
make laws that others may not agree with, and so it creates friction and the
people who don't conform they call immoral, their actions illegal, they become
renegades and are ostracized. Kind of what you are going through with Leo. Society
will reject him because he is physically different, but if you succeed in
making society accept him, you could show kids like Leo and Vai how to survive
emotionally and physically against ingrained perpetual stupidity. They then
have a chance to change their immediate community and perhaps their whole
country.
Vai may be
young, but very intelligent and if she makes the right choices in life, she
could affect large groups. However, if she is not careful, she could become a
victim. I don't know if she is strong enough to deal with society's
"demands." She would need a person open and wise enough to accept her
as she is, or a sage from the Himalayas to guide her, or at least a protector
to keep her out of harm's way from others and herself. She is very outspoken against religious
education and calls religion a mind pollutant. Taking on religions and
established institutions like that will get her in deep trouble." Leilani
explained and then turned to her daughter with a smile of a proud mother.
"Now, it's your turn."
The three of them listened attentively and then Vai wanted
to say something, looking at Gábor for a second and then talking generally to
all of them.
"Thanks for speaking for me Ma, but I don't consider
myself to be intelligent, but when I'm listening to the missionaries, who claim
to be smart and spouting childish nonsense from their books, all I see is dogma
repeated ad nauseam. All they know is books and nothing of life. They want to
squeeze life into books and in the process take all the life out of living and
believe they've found the Philosopher’s stone.
The way I see it, life is a steady change. It is not static
as books are. Preachers are immobilizing life by squeezing it into rules
written down in them. Books don't change their context and once written, the
same words remain for thousands of years. They try to fit life into a fixed and
static event while the current of life flows past them."
"What do you think of books Vai? There are a lot of
written spiritual texts like the Bible, the Koran, the Vedas, the Upanishads,
the Gita, and the I Ch'ing, Tao, Zen and Judean writings like the Torah. Aren't
they helping?" Ivan had read most of them and was curious what Vai knew
about them.
"It doesn't really matter what books were written.
Those are just books with scribbles in them. They may be like fingers pointing
to the moon, but these fools are mistaking the pointing finger for the moon.
The purpose of writing a book is to propose an idea that people will follow,
thus to control them and be able to predict their behaviour. Some of the books
are helpful finding good advice and pointing inwards towards oneself, like the
oracle of Delphi recommended; man, know thyself. I don't know much about Zen or
Taoism, but they sound interesting. Books that promote that self-discovery are
useful, others that preach dogmas and the belief of Creation, are foolish.
Nothing was created. Existence is the only thing eternal; it's reality, as we
know it. Some might call it Is-ness."
"Are you saying there is no Creation?" asked Ivan.
"Ivan, there is only Is-ness. Creation needs a Creator
and the next logical question is then; who created the Creator? Priests like
the idea of a creator. They tell you the bible says that there is a Creator,
but men, not a god, wrote the bible, as they want you to believe. The base of
all that Creation rests on an assumption that says there is a Creator and then
written into a book by men. That is the same as a person pulls himself out of a
hole by his own hair. Why do you think that god is male, looks like a man,
acts, and behaves like one? We're told men were created in the image of god,
but by the looks of it, it's men that created a patriarchal god in his
image," Vai laid out her point.
Ivan's forehead wrinkled in thought. This concept of
existence versus creation made more sense to him despite his many years of
practicing meditation and studying philosophies. Almost all of the books spoke
of Creation in some form and now Vai put things in a different way. What Vai
said sounded like existentialism. Did she study that or was that her own idea
derived from observation?
"So those books are misleading then? Is that what
you're saying? Are you suggesting we shouldn't follow their guidance?"
"Only fools follow books. They can only point in a
direction, giving instruction how to reach a certain state of mind, but they
can't take you there without the practice they suggest. It's the practice that
gives the results, not the belief in the words. Real people follow the flow of
life, not scriptures. Books and scriptures can only aim at an idea, but not
carry truth. Even historical accounts may contain information about what
happened at some time, but not living truth. I want to point out that even
historical accounts seldom report the truth. They are accounts of one's
impression and then wants to see what happens as the truth."
"Are you saying that there is no truth in books,"
asked Gábor.
"Look, many books contain some truth in the form of
instructions on how to experience truth but without the practice, they are
empty words. Truth can only exist in the very present and nowhere else. All
else are only memories of moments of truth, as they are perceived. You can find
some various good kernels in any dung pile and scriptures are for me nothing
more than bullshit as people say in the US and Canada. The most effective lies
are the ones that contain a few kernels of truth. The rest is BS. Lies have no
duration. They never last. Sooner or later people see the shit for what it
is."
"So that would explain why there are so many variations
of the Bible. Is that what you're implying?"
Ivan leaned forward, evidently fascinated by Vai's account
of her views about religions. She must have read some good books. Gábor was
impressed as well and Leilani seemed to enjoy her daughter's impact on them.
She had a great gift of talking and making sense.
Vai looked over Ivan and took a deep breath before she
continued with her favourite topic.
"When those words from the old scriptures were
exhausted and outdated, new ones came up to adjust to the changes and they
called it the New Testament or amendment to the law. There were a lot of
different religions in the past and more today. When the people that compiled
the Book of the Books called the Bible today, they put all that they liked in
this one book called Book of the Books. Naturally, that can't be all consolidated
without discrepancies. That's why there are so many interpretations of that
book and it resulted in over 30,000 Christian denominations today. Any Tom,
Dick, or Harry wants to believe that they have found the truth in those books,
but writings can only point in a direction. What you discover along the way
will give you a different picture, even on the same road.
If you walk down the same road at different times of the
day, or during a different season, you will know what I mean. No description
from a week before of the same road will fit perfectly. In addition, it really
is not important which book one reads and follows. They're all pretty much
trying to do the same. It's about how to control the ignorant.
Like a number of blind and ignorant people touching only one
part of a cat; one touches the nose, another the tail and third fingers the
claw and none is told that it is a cat that they are touching. When they are
asked to describe the animal they can describe only what they know, but none of
that is even close to the truth of the entire cat, but all will claim and argue
that they have experienced the cat in its entirety."
"True, it is difficult to see the entire picture,"
Leilani agreed with her youngest daughter, "and what I have noticed in
England was the many different cultures and nations didn't kill over each
other’s ethnicity or religious views, but when I listen to the News coming out
of America that seems to be a daily event. What idea could bring people
together if not spiritual scriptures? Aren't those books teaching love?"
"No. They talk about it but don’t teach it. No
instructions are given, only commandments; do this, don’t do that, but what is
love? Nobody really knows. One can only feel it. Love shows in our actions and
it create feelings in us and in others. Supporting another in their struggle to
achieve their aim, not necessarily ours is something every living being
appreciates and reciprocates in some form. It is in the assistance and respect
of another’s space, their needs, their way of thinking and doing and that may
not be our way. That means being in the service of each other. The only thing
that could bring peace is acceptance, Ma.
You said so yourself, not interpretations of it. It's only
when people believe that there is only one-way to love we have conflict. Only
in the acceptance of our differences, we will find peace and love, not in
making all the same.
All so-called holy books attempt to preach the same theme,
Loving Kindness and Compassion for everything, that's true, but they argue over
the path of how to get there. Look guys, people follow outdated books written
long ago and are then in conflict with modern times and insist one must follow
their outdated information, and consider others who are living in harmony with
a changing world as being wicked and off the "True" path. Who in
their right mind would use a map of a country made a hundred years ago to find
his way around in the same country today?
It's not supposed to be about loving god or a certain book,
but loving good. They have forgotten to practice one more "o" and
they pray to the lesser version of "good" called "god" and
preach a dogma instead. They love the gods they pray to, not each other, as is
written in some books. Almost all of them weave ideologies into the good
messages and so create religious ideology. I say; monkey muffins. Let go of all
beliefs and live with the living facts of cause and effect. They can't be
changed by beliefs or politics and opinions. Religions and opinions insist on
creating more problems than anything else in the world.
While they pray to a god, they commit all kinds of
atrocities in the name of their gods and expecting their god will forgive or
even reward them and create peace, reserve a place in heaven for them. It is
for a ‘good cause' and they forgive themselves because it is for a "higher
purpose".
It's in our actions that we create the effects, including
peace. But the good is not important to them because there is no profit in it,
no gain, but looking pious while they screw everybody is. How else could they
get ahead? It's like a rush in a supermarket blow-out sale, me first."
Vai's audience had to laugh at the comparison. The image of
a mob causing a mad dash and traffic jam to the pearly gates amused them.
Not a friend of organized religion, Gábor wanted to bring up
a point about Christianity's "Tree of Knowledge" that they connected
with the "Original Sin". Vai regarded him with a nod and a smile.
"Good point. Why was there a tree of knowledge if it
was forbidden to eat its fruit? Believers are stupid enough to believe that a
god wants them to remain stupid. And they are happy with that because it
justifies their laziness to study and acquire knowledge. God seems to be afraid
that humans could become more knowledgeable then him and take his job and
position so he forbids them to eat the fruit. Was the tree planted there to
taunt men? That's a laugh. If there were gods; and let's say the gods created
all this so-called intelligent life, then they would expect humans to use that
intelligence and would not have restricted them eating from the tree of
knowledge and then punish them for having done so and condemning them to
eternal hell.
Priests have falsified truth to serve their own purposes and
want us to follow their invented truth. They want us to believe their lies,
calling them ‘knowledge', and they want us to buy into their ‘knowledge' they
are selling, so they can look like good shepherds.
Sheep need shepherds because they are too stupid to think
for themselves. There will always be some clever people trying to bamboozle
others, and the only way to counteract them is to educate people not through
beliefs, but through provable facts and science based on research. Gods would
not care what men do with their intelligence.
‘Here is your gift of intelligence. Do with it as you please
and have a nice day', they said and moved to another dimension so as not to
witness people's clumsy efforts using their minds. I think the greatest gift we
have is our mind, but the smallest is our wit to use it well. The gods would
have only attached the effect to the cause. Once they have given men
intelligence, it is up to men to use it. Otherwise, what would intelligence be
good for if we weren't allowed to use it? The same people that are preaching
against atrocities are the ones committing them, and then they wonder about the
effect of their actions. Talk about ultimate stupidity. If you throw rocks into
the water and don't like the splashes, all you have to do is stop throwing the
rocks. How much simpler could it be?
As I've said, all religions teach more or less the same
thing, love, compassion and respect for everything. Once you practice those
values, you don't need the books any longer. I'd recommend: Forget god, love
good. However, to these fools, the teachers became more important than their
teaching and they want you to follow the teacher instead of the values they
taught. Keeping teachers alive for a few thousand years, or even a hundred,
makes them stink. They don't save lives. They suck the life out of you. Many of
those values are outdated for thousands of years and we still follow
them."
Vai lifted a glass of water to her mouth, drank its content,
and filled it again. All the others used the time to let her words sink in.
Vai's words did not reflect her age and surprised even Ivan and her mother.
"Vai, where did you get all these insights from? I mean
there are some values in those books and not all of it is bad. There is some
eternal truth in them, don't you think? Calling them BS is a bit harsh."
"That is what makes those books so dangerous, Ma. I
said a little while ago, a little truth makes a big lie believable. I'll
repeat; you can find in the biggest pile of horseshit a grain of oats that went
through the horse undigested. Someone discovered it by accident and presented
the whole pile as the truth and sold it to the ignorant, claiming divine
inspiration and becomes a priest, selling horseshit." Loud laughter
interrupted Vai's speech and not only from their table. Others patrons have followed
her talk and Vai's presentation was humorous. She nodded her head in their
direction to acknowledge their silent participation, and then she continued.
"Truth is that any person who has a new idea may claim
divine inspiration. Yes, there are some good values in books, but it needs
intelligence to see what is good and what is self-serving. Some ideas work well
for a little while, perhaps even for a year. Values may last longer, but they
could also change with circumstances. Times changes, anything alive changes,
even solid rocks change. You know that. Life changes, commitments made today to
people, to things or situations change, become useless and even detrimental to
growth. Even death is impermanent. All that exists is impermanent and Is-ness,
the present, is the only and ultimate reality. I believe I've said that before.
It is not necessary to abandon a thing or situation if it
works. It is also possible to add something to it and improve it that way. It
may grow and flourish to unimaginable heights as long as there is understanding
and loving-kindness. As I see it, small-minded ideas and restrictions,
traditions, limitations and orthodoxy that imprisons and hold positive
developments hostage. Out of fear that we might lose something, we desperately
cling to outdated ideas as if they were the paths to salvation.
Take love for example. We find a person and fall in love.
Then we are afraid of losing that person and close our fist tightly around them
to prevent them from leaving. The other can't breathe, suffocates, wants to escape,
and is looking for any opportunity to fly. I've heard somewhere; the embrace of
love held too tight would suffocate and even kill the one you love. Let them be
free and support their freedom to make their own choices. By assisting them to
fulfill their aspirations, they will love you for it and want to do the same
for you. They will happily remain because they have the freedom to leave, but
that doesn't mean they'll use it.
These are the values that schools would be wise to propagate
and teach, not the dogma of dead prophets who couldn't make it work in their
time, yet their followers continue with those stupidities and don't see how it
destroys freedom and life because they are afraid of it. These fools call
themselves knowledgeable, but they are prisoners to their ‘knowledge' and their
insecurities and believe that by holding on to a sinking ship, it will save
their lives. They are the biggest fools I've had the displeasure to listen to,
and they are trying to run the world and save our souls. Heaven, save us from
them."
Everybody was silent for several seconds after Vai's speech;
even the guests at the other tables were in deep silence, looking at Vai as if
she were some alien from another galaxy explaining faster than light travel to
some appreciating audience. Ivan broke the silence with a clearing of his
throat.
"Never would I have thought to hear this from a young
woman like you Vai." His voice expressed the respect he had for her.
"I have read books and lived a rough life, but it took me sixty-seven years
to meet someone like you. You are not only beautiful and passionate but also
wise beyond common understanding. Be careful to whom you speak. You could be
very dangerous to any establishment and your youth and beauty will not save
you. They still crucify messengers of truth regardless of what or who you are.
For my part, I'm impressed."
The other guests at their tables talked in hushed tones
among themselves and directed furtive, but respectful glances towards them.
Gábor was still in awe and looked at Vai as if he just now realized the depth
of her intelligence and his thoughts turned inward. He made love with a Sage.
He understood the point she was hinting at. Accepted norms, which were not of
his own making, created by others, and accepted without examination of their
present values, imprisoned him. He had found a lot of things wrong with the way
society was run and rebelled, but still his rebellion was also based on values
that were not his own. He just had to look back at how he'd tried resisting Vai
because he believed in commitment and loyalty to Helena, instead of to love.
Loving Vai didn't change his love for Helena; in reality, it made his love
stronger.
Without any doubt, he loved Helena and would do so forever,
but he didn't have to exclude anybody else he loved. He had not given Leo the
love that he deserved until recently, because he was not what he expected him
to be when he created a life together with Helena. Vai asked him last night
when he claimed to love Helena if there was a place for somebody else. ‘Loving
me does not mean you have to stop loving Helena. And isn't love just love?' He
had withheld love from Leo and almost lost Helena because his love was
conditional. How could he be free if it was himself creating a condition of
thinking he was not free?
He created his own prison with the way he thought. Helena
never imprisoned him. He did it all by himself. He had wanted Leo to be human
so he could accept and love him. What a bunch of crock. More and more he wanted
to embrace these concepts that were new to him and not because they were Vai's,
but because they made him see the errors of his thinking. These words that Vai
spoke had a strong effect on his views and he thought about his family and how
Vai's love liberated him to love unconditionally. Leo, Helena, forgive me for
the lost opportunities to love you as you deserve,' he thought.
Unnoticed by him and the others, Leo and Helena had stayed
in contact since the last linking because of Gábor's thinking so intensely
about them when Vai spoke. He had focused on Vai's discourse and so Leo and
Helena witnessed all that Vai said and in the background, she felt his emotions
for Vai without details, but what Vai talked about was coming through clearly
enough.
When Vai finished, Gábor turned inward. That was when the
connection became vague, but they still received his deep emotions for them and
shed a few tears. He meant what he thought. Silently Leo gently withdrew now.
Helena intended to keep this involuntary eavesdropping to her and instructed
Leo to do the same. She was deeply impressed with Vai's ability to vocalize and
express her views and her message was clear. This was a woman she wanted to get
to know much better. She felt Gábor's feelings for herself, Vai, and Leo, but
no details came through the link and Helena was happy for him that he had
feelings for Vai. She had never been a jealous person and considered it a
privilege to be with him and wouldn't begrudge him if he did love more than
just her. She could see herself accepting Vai as a lover to him.
On occasions, she had noticed other women's interest in him
and she wondered why he ignored it. Was he perhaps worried she might leave him?
Was he worried she would want the same liberty for herself? Since she'd known
him, she had only once thought of another man. Gábor was the perfect man for
her; never boring or smothering, always a great listener and he carried
conversations well, he had a great sense of humour, and he was disciplined and
responsible. As a lover, he was adventurous and loyal, perhaps too much so. As
long as he did not lie, she wouldn't object if he had an interest in another
woman because what she was looking for in a partner was love reliability and
trustworthiness, not blind fidelity. Integrity to one's own principles and
authenticity was far more important to her than faithfulness.
She had met other men since she'd been with Gábor, mainly in
the course of her work and the Dojo she had practiced Aikido, and none had
ignited her interest to get involved with. Ivan was their closest friend and
about as intriguing a man as any she would consider and if it wasn't for Gábor,
she'd be interested in finding out more about him, including sex, but she
wouldn't risk losing Gábor's love for it. Without his knowledge and consent, it
would never happen and they only broached that prospect once.
In the Aikido class in Vancouver was a man by the name of
Jensen who had his eyes on her for a long time and had the attention of other
women as well. Handsome, active, rich and a good talker, but a poor listener,
he had asked her out a few times and once she accepted an invitation for
coffee. She had called Gábor and informed him where she would be and drove with
Jensen to the Teahouse in Stanley Park, a place known for its romantic setting
and she did find him interesting enough.
While they had their coffee he talked a lot about his
business, how successful he was and the travels he'd made and he tried hard to mould
her but heard nothing she said and didn't even ask her about her interests, not
once and that turned her off. He knew everything about anything but wasn't
interested in what she knew. To be polite and to make him aware that he was
doing a solo performance, she remarked on how much he seemed to know, and his
chest swelled a bit more. After a long monolog, he put his hand on hers and
suggested a drink at a more private setting.
"I have a nice place and could tell you much more about
the things I know and you can show me what you know," he said with a wink.
Helena patted his hand and countered sweetly.
"Now, why would you be looking for more knowledge from
me if you already know everything?" then she withdrew her hands and leaned
back in her chair. He was smart enough to get the message.
There was not much talk after that and Helena left the cafe
ten minutes later and told Gábor about it when she got home. He listened
silently and waited for her to finish and just looked at her, nodded once in a
while, but said nothing. When she finished telling him everything about the
coffee date with Jenkins, he asked her how the classes went in Aikido and
whether she was hungry. Did she eat anything in that café? She had laughed and
kissed him. The fact that he had just listened to her without interruption or
berating her, letting her in, the feeling that she was heard and accepted, and
then offered to cook dinner, was the ticket to her love. He didn't need to
worry about other men. He was all the man she needed. Perhaps it would be up to
her to encourage him to be free.
Of course, she didn't want to leave him, but she figured
that if she let him be free, he would remain with her. Adding a little spice to
his diet would enhance his appetite. Once Vai came for a visit, she would talk
with her. Having resolved that line of thought, she continued to work on the
shack with Leo. It would be done before they arrived.
Gábor admitted to himself again that he loved Vai just as
much as he loved Helena. His problem was, he presumed, Helena wouldn't approve
of him making love with Vai. He still wondered what she really meant when she
said; she could see him with her. These questions seemed to revolve in his mind
over and over. Did she imply she would welcome another woman beside her? And if
so, would she take the same liberties for herself? Could he handle it if she
had another man? He tried to imagine her with a lover like they did in their
fantasies sometimes, but acting it out for real was another thing. He realized
how his own insecurities were rearing their ugly heads. What if she found
another man and left him? Would she leave him if he told her about Vai or
insist on the same liberty?
The thought that she could leave him for another man created
turmoil in him. He would never survive it emotionally, not even if that would
leave him with Vai. To him, Helena was the elixir of life, his breath, and his
heartbeat. Vai had expanded his horizons dramatically, but he didn't have the
history with her that he did with Helena. Through Vai, he'd realized that it
would be possible for him to love more than one person and surely, the same
could happen to Helena. He thought he could handle that if she still loved him.
They had never insisted on exclusivity when they made their oath to love each
other.
Next, he wondered if he could live without Vai. He had no
clear answer for that either. Possibly. He loved her, but his love with Vai was
only one day old, and there was some other connection with her that would be
very hard to deny. It was a deep soul connection and not just sex, although
that was as natural and enjoyable with her as it was with Helena.
His connection with Helena was that of love, mutual support,
and understanding, a deep friendship and acceptance of another. They were a
symbiotic amalgamate. Helena and he had been through a lot together over the
years and that's created indestructible bonds, no matter what or who came
between them. Helena and he were soul mates, not ‘slave-mates'. Those bonds
would always be there. Vai was the spiritual inspiration he and Helena were
looking for when they'd taken seminars with some teachers, to find peace within
themselves during the hard times.
Gábor felt strongly that Vai could be the catalyst that
bonded him with Helena even stronger. He felt he needed both. Over time the
bonds that existed between Helena and him would also happen between him and Vai
if Helena agreed to Vai becoming his consort. That it had started with an
intimate engagement troubled him because of his present mindset.
Could Vai be another soul mate for him? How many could there
be? What loyalty meant to him was an outdated concept with Vai on the scene. He
listened to what Vai said and it changed many of his views about it. So far, it
appeared to benefit him, but the question was, could he accept another man as
consort for Helena to be fair? He didn't know.
He once shared a woman with another man, but it was an act
out of anger. Sharing Helena with another man in a threesome had only been a
fantasy and excited him and her in the heat of passion, but neither one
considered doing it for real. He knew about her fetish of sucking his fingers
sometimes while he made love to her. It looked sexy and excited him, but did
that imply she wanted to be stimulated orally as well during intercourse or was
it for his pleasure? Would Helena want to include another man in their sexual
activities? Who did she imagine?
Could he accept her sleeping with another man if she wanted
that? Occasionally, perhaps, and if she was discreet about it. If she did, he
would prefer not to know about it, the proverbial ostrich method, if I don't
see it, it doesn't happen. He read in some magazines about men who shared their
girlfriends or wives with other men and said they enjoyed watching them having
intercourse. He put it down as very improbable, but then again, why would it
not be possible? Because he wouldn't do it?
What would happen if he were incapable of conducting sex
with his mate, or if he was away for a longer period? Would she have to abstain
because he could not be there for her? Could he not just enjoy her enjoyment?
Would Helena or Vai diminish in value to him if they were to have sex with
someone other than him? All three of them had partners before and it did not
matter to him then, so why would it be different when they had someone while he
wasn't with them? Was this an ownership issue that he carried around like a
ball and chain? He had gained experience through the women he had before
meeting Helena and it benefited her and her past involvement with men taught
her a thing or two about them and it imparted her the experience she had. His
value, because of his experiences, had increased and so had his skills; so if
the women had other partners, their value would logically increase too. Who
enjoyed an inexperienced partner? Everybody had a different taste. He knew
about swingers, but he wasn't interested in that and couldn't imagine being
naked around other men, especially not in the same bedroom. If Helena were
interested in another man, he would have to accept it to be fair after what
happened between Vai and him, but couldn't see himself participating.
And what about Vai? Would he be upset if Vai slept with
another man? What did he know about Vai aside from her ideas? Not much. Did he
want to know? Was it necessary to know everything about her? Was it not enough
to know that she loved him?
To love unconditionally his ego had to get out of the way.
What he experienced, was his to deal with, and what his mate experienced, was
hers to deal with. It was easier to think about this than seeing it in reality,
and he wondered if he ever would be in a situation where he would have to
experience that. He had to talk to her as soon as possible. These topics were
not the mainstream themes. Nobody talked about them. It was as if the things
that were essential for a better understanding of one’s desires and fantasies,
preferences and unexpressed dreams were forbidden.
But who forbid them? He knew from observation and experience
that secret and unexpressed desires tended to become toxic in a relationship.
When partners had expectations towards their partners and those expectations
were not fulfilled, sooner or later they were prone to seek other partners,
hoping that the new partner could fill the need.
What need did he have that he had to have Vai? Helena was
perfect in all aspects. He loved her and she loved him. What was his need to
get together with Vai? Sexually Helena was as desirable and satisfying as Vai
and she was open to almost all kinds of experimentations and suggestions.
Making love with her daily, sometimes twice or more when time allowed, was as
if they couldn't be satiated with each other. Perhaps it was his secret sexual
appetite that wanted to see Helena in a threesome, man, or woman. He didn't
know and that was his insecurity that made him think Helena could possibly want
another man like he now had Vai.
Dressed in low-cut long, white pants that hugged her
curvaceous hips perfectly, a dark-green blouse with the tails tucked into her
pants, she looked fabulous. The bronze color of her skin in stark contrast with
her white pants offset the dark-green material of her blouse. She could have
been a beauty queen contestant, the same as any of her family.
